This incident happened over 3 months ago, but I remember it like it was 3 minutes ago. It had been a while since I had experienced first hand, someone singling Bradley out. I was shocked and hurt. If I didn't paint a clear enough picture for you, the girl wasn't seeking information for understanding. She was clearly on a mission to point out that Bradley was different in a socially unacceptable way (at least according to her and most people's standards). This wasn't the first time someone had pointed out something "was wrong" with Bradley. Many people have brought this to my attention for the past 9 years. Early on in Bradley's life some people did this in loving ways, wanting to express their concern for Bradley's developmental delays and encourage me to seek assessment and knowledge. Others pointed out his "wrong" speech in a mocking way. Adults did this. People who are my extended family did this. A former student of mine saw me a few months ago and updated me about her life, including that her son wasn't doing well. She then asked me, "Isn't something wrong with your son too?"
Attention: People of the world; Hear me loud and clear! There are an infinite number of things that are wrong with me, neuro-typical, non-autistic Jodie Hutchinson. Do you know what the number one problem is that I have? I am a sinner. I was born a sinner. I have a sinful nature. I alone can NOT do anything to escape my sin. But, God can and He did. God made a way for me to atone for my sin through his son, Jesus Christ. I have SO many internal, secret wrongs about me every single day. Sometimes people see them, but often times they don't. They don't ask my parents, or husband, or kids, "Hey- What's wrong with Jodie?"
I am redeemed through Christ's shed blood on the cross over 2,000 years ago. I am saved from an eternal death, because I know and believe whole heatedly that Jesus Christ is my savior. His death on the cross, paid the consequence of my sin. Even though I am now in Christ, I continue to sin and have MANY things wrong with me, because that is my human nature. However, I am representing God and (most of the time) doing my best to do His will for His good work as His faithful servant. Thankfully, when I fail Him, God forgives me and promises to be with me the next time I have an opportunity to do His will and share His love with others. So when I'm having to make a decision about how to respond to a 4th grader, I need to go to God about how to handle this situation...
Back in the bathroom stall, I'm praying and fighting back my emotion. "God- help me do something good with this. Please help me do something good with this." I calmed down and returned to the classroom. I took a deep breath and asked the smirky girl to come talk to me alone, at the back of the class. I spoke slowly and kindly, "Earlier when you asked me what is wrong with Bradley, were you asking me that because you know he is different from you?" She sighed and said, "No. I know he is different. He just won't stop hugging me. Why is he hugging everyone today?" This was not where I was expecting this conversation to go and a wave of relief came over me. I looked at the girl in her eyes and told her as encouragingly as possible that it is not okay for anyone to hug her or touch her without her permission. I paused for a moment, because I wanted her to think about that and really know how serious of statement that was. I then went on to say, "If you do not want Bradley to hug you, he should not hug you. Please let him know that it is not okay to hug you." She looked frustrated and said, "He's been hugging people all day." That's when God stepped in big time, because He totally grabbed control of my next part in the conversation. I looked at the girl and smiled, "You seem like you are a really cool girl. Is that right?" Pride beamed across her face and she nodded yes. I explained, "Bradley has autism, which means that his brain works differently than yours and mine. Sometimes he does not understand that the things he wants to do aren't 'cool' for 4th graders to do."
Before I finish the story, let me make something clear- I think Bradley is SUPER cool! His brain is very creative, his heart is joyful and loving, and his dance moves are something else... I wasn't going to argue with this girl and convince her that he was cool. God gave me guidance on how to reach her- to help her understand, accept, and support my son.
Back to the story... Cool Girl seemed to be getting what I was saying. I continued, "Do you know how I knew that you were a cool girl? Because I'm pretty cool too." That's actually a stretch, haha! "Bradley needs us to help him learn what is "cool" for fourth graders to do. Since I'm not here at school, I need the help of people like you to teach him. Would you be willing to do that?" She thought about it for a moment and I saw a different smirk emerge, "I guess I could do that." I smiled, "Thank you. I know you can."
Over 3 months later I saw Cool Girl at Bradley's Easter party. She was walking away from me and going outside when she caught a glimpse of me. I smiled, she stopped, turned around, and gave me a big smile. I spoke with her briefly and could tell by her non-verbal language that her understanding and acceptance of Bradley was improved.
I'm glad Cool Girl is on board with helping Bradley, but she and I can't do it alone. When you know someone on the autism spectrum (or really anyone) doesn't understand their social interactions, behavior, speech, or something else is potentially a target for awkward situations, mocking, bullying, rule violations, or worse... help them. If you don't know how to help them, ask them how you can help them. If they seem to be handling a situation in an anxious way, ask how you can help. If they don't seem to understand a decision they need to make, ask how you can help. If they are overwhelmed because of sensory experiences, ask how you can help. Every person on the autism spectrum in every situation will be different, so there is no easy solution.
Do you want to know how to help my son, Bradley? Be patient when he is speaking to you. If you can't understand what he is saying, ask him to speak slower and tell you again. If he tries to dominate a conversation, don't let him. Help me teach him about reciprocity and listening to you too. I want him to be a respectful, good listener. Help me embrace his unique personality, yet teach him about age appropriate social morays. If he's doing something other kids or adults would find weird, let's put a stop to that in a nice way, explaining to him that kids his age don't do whatever he's doing. If he doesn't follow through on directions, please remind him. He was probably thinking about something else, but is VERY capable of being attentive with redirection. Expect politeness, manners, and turn taking from Bradley. He has learned those things from us, but I'm not always with him. Help me hold him to a high standard, yet encourage him in a loving way as he approaches academic, social, and life challenges. Help me love Bradley and remind him of how much God loves him. That, is the most important thing I hope Bradley knows and believes with all his heart.
