As an instructor of psychology, I teach my students about The 5 Stages of Grief. This model, also called "The Grief Cycle," was developed by Swiss Psychiatrist, Elisabeth Kubler-Ross. Dr. Kubler-Ross emphasized that the grief cycle is a model or framework. She noted that not every individual will experience all 5 stages the same, in the same order, or with the same intensity. Kubler-Ross also explained that some grieving individuals may revisit the same stage more than once or may not experience one or more stages at all. The purpose of her model was to help grieving individuals learn that healing DOES take time and that it is a normal, human reaction to respond differently to different types of grief. Dr. Kubler-Ross emphasized that grieving is an individual journey that will help the individual move closer toward acceptance and hopefully learn to effectively cope with their grief (Kubler-Ross Foundation, 2009).
For more information about Dr. Kubler-Ross' research and Grief Cycle model check out: http://www.ekrfoundation.org/five-stages-of-grief/
Bradley was diagnosed with PDD-NOS at age 3, and within that first year post-diagnosis I went through many stages that are similar to Kubler-Ross' Grief Cycle. Below I have explained the basic concept of Kubler-Ross' stages and how I saw it manifest in my life.
| Denial | "Denial is a conscious or unconscious refusal to accept facts, information, reality, etc., relating to the situation concerned. It’s a defense mechanism and perfectly natural." Prior to his PDD-NOS diagnosis I knew that Bradley had a "speech delay," but I was confident he did not have autism. I remember a few family members asking if Bradley was autistic and my swift response was "No Way!" Even during the assessment and eventually diagnostic process, I thought that the assessment team was hasty in their diagnosis. I knew Bradley had a speech delay and I was confident once he overcame that he would be just like any other kid. |
| Anger | "Anger can manifest in different ways. People dealing with emotional upset can be angry with themselves, and/or with others, especially those close to them. Knowing this helps keep detached and non-judgmental when experiencing the anger of someone who is very upset." My anger was secretive anger I had toward other parents. I internally fumed when I observed the lack of effort and bad attitudes of a few parents of healthy, high functioning, amazing, "non-autistic" kids. I'd see these parents in public- ignoring their child, belittling their child, pressuring them to be better... and I wanted to scream, "Be thankful for your kid and pay attention to them! Love them! You have it easy. Quit complaining!!!" Some of these parents were strangers and some I knew very well. It frustrated me greatly that (In my mind) they tried so little yet had smart, social, talkative, amazing children. I thought I was working 10x as hard as them and just didn't think it was fair. I was also angry and rude with Bradley's assessment team. Many times I either directly or indirectly let them know that they were wrong about Bradley and they didn't know him well enough to diagnose him with PDD-NOS. I thought, "How dare they define my child by a diagnosis!!! They just met him!" I feel horrible about being so rude and have apologized to the team members I was rude to. What I didn't realize is that we both wanted the same things- for Bradley to be successful in school and in life. Parents- keep in mind that a diagnosis leads to treatment. It leads to help and understanding. |
| Bargaining | "Traditionally the bargaining stage for people involves attempting to bargain with God. When people bargain, they seek to negotiate a compromise." I bargained with God many times. "God- I will spend more time with Bradley. I will be a better mother. I will try harder. PLEASE take away his autism." This is a prayer I said MANY times. I'll blog about the role God has had in my acceptance of Bradley's diagnosis and what it took for me to understand His Plan. |
| Depression | "It’s natural to feel sadness and regret, fear, uncertainty, etc. It shows that the person has at least begun to accept the reality." I felt incredibly depressed and helpless after the first ARD. I walked away feeling broken after an hour and a half of listening to people tell me about what my child couldn't do, what he may never be able to do, and how much work it would take to integrate Bradley into mainstream classroom education. The thought that Bradley may never meet those dreams I had for him (playing football, academic events, going to college) saddened me tremendously. |
| Acceptance | Acceptance means coming to terms with the diagnosis, believing the diagnosis, and being "okay" with it. Thanks to research, supportive friends and family, and the grace of God, I finally reached acceptance about a year after the initial PDD-NOS diagnosis. I was energized to do EVERYTHING in my power to help Bradley become successful in the classroom and in life. Today I believe I continue to primarily stay within the acceptance stage, but there are certainly times (usually just brief moments of a day) that I find myself slipping back into a previous emotion. One clarification though- I accept and embrace that Bradley is a wonderfully made child, who also happens to have high functioning autism. I will never accept that he is a high functioning autistic child that happens to be named Bradley. Parents- acceptance does not mean we have given up hope on our dreams for our child. It means that we have accepted that God's will and His dreams for our child are better than we could have planned on our own. |
“There are no mistakes, no coincidences, all events are blessings given to us to learn from.”
-Elisabeth Kubler-Ross
The pictures below are of Bradley on his 2nd birthday and his 3rd birthday- both spent at the Houston Zoo
This makes me realize our process at this meeting from review of results to reading of the minutes is completely different. We (I) make sure to review two strengths for every weakness I state. I make sure to tell the parent that their child is still the same child but just needs supports and interventions. I make sure to tell them that future potential cannot be determined. We also tell them that this does not mean their child will not learn. We have kleenex boxes ready and we offer them breaks. This just encourages me to continue to grow as a professional and person.
ReplyDeleteMonica- I know that you are the clinician every parent desires to work with :) For my other readers- Monica and I went to Grad School together and keep up with each other on FaceBook. I know she's a beautiful, Christian woman with a loving heart. The method of assessment explanation you described is perfect! I could have used more strengths identified, some Kleenex boxes, and some breaks for sure in my first ARD!!! Keep doing what you're doing Monica :)
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